Lentil and Bacon Soup

SOUP TIME, Y'ALL.

So this past week, I went to a screening of Man of Steel, and it was about as much goofy fun a I expected (ACTIVATE THE WORLD ENGINE). However, it turns out that staying up really late on a weeknight to see a movie wreaks havoc on me the next day. I felt like garbage and needed something relatively easy to make without needing a ton of stuff from the store. I knew there was a bag of lentils that had been sitting in my pantry for ages, so I googled around for a lentil soup recipe, and lo and behold!

Ingredients:

2 tablespoons olive oil
1 cup finely chopped onion
1/2 cup finely chopped carrot
1/2 cup finely chopped celery
2 teaspoons kosher salt
1 pound lentils, picked and rinsed
1 cup peeled and chopped tomatoes
2 quarts chicken or vegetable broth
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground coriander
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground toasted cumin
6 slices diced turkey bacon
A PHANTOM DRIVE (Note: Not really)

Process:

First, dice up all of your veggies. I know the ingredients don't ask for a ton, but in this house we subscribe to the James Franco School of Cooking


Why don't you super size it 

So there we've probably got about five or six carrots, a whole celery heart, and two onions. Perfect. Now, I figured that since the original recipe didn't call for any meat, I'd improvise a little. 3 minutes in the microwave later...

Ahhh, now we're cooking with something akin to gas. Now throw in all of your veggies into a big ol' 6-quart pot and and let them sauté until the onions get translucent.

Then throw in everything else and let it come to a boil.

Cover it with a lid, reduce your heat to low and let it simmer for about 35-40 minutes. I had to hunt down my lid for this pot, and it turned out to be buried underneath a pile of empty grocery bags, and had been for a long time. It was pretty nasty looking, and then of course I turn it over and look at the bottom and OH GOD SPIDERS.

So yeah, had to improvise a bit there and use a lid that was way too big, but had the added benefit of having not been touched by nightmare creatures. After that debacle, it was time to figure out a way to forget about SPIDERFEST 2013. Let's check in with Superman for any ideas.

The man makes a solid point.

So 40 minutes later, let's check up on the soup.

That'll do, pig. If you want, you can blend it a bit with an immersible blender, but I only used it for about three seconds before I realized it'd probably be better without it. Ladle it out into a bowl and crack a little pepper into it (or toss some sriracha in there if you're feeling adventurous), and you're all set to go!

Verdict:

Oh boy, this one is a keeper. One and a half bowls kept me full all night, and the leftovers have made for great lunches for the past five days. It'd probably work even better during the winter. Pairs well with shows about the failings of American institutions.

Mediterranean Chicken

Does anyone in this family even know what a chicken tastes like?

Long time no see, folks! Much like Arrested Development, I have returned. Since the last time this blog existed, I graduated law school, passed the bar exam, and made money. So has the crockpot been used since the last time I posted on here? Yeah, a few times, but it's seen better days.

Some melting may have occurred. Long story. ANYHOO, because Arrested Development came back today, I decided to fix up a super easy chicken dish so I could use as many chicken dance gifs as possible.

That's better. On with the show!

Mediterranean Chicken

Ingredients:

2 cups sliced fresh mushrooms

1 14.5 oz can of diced tomatoes

1 8 or 9 oz package of frozen artichoke hearts

1 cup of chicken broth

1 medium onion, chopped

1/2 cup sliced olives or 1/4 cup of capers, drained

1/2 cup dry white whine or chicken broth (I used chicken broth, because I'm cheap like that)

3 tablespoons quick-cooking tapioca

2-3 teaspoons curry powder

3/4 teaspoon dried thyme

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/4 teaspoon pepper

1.5 lbs skinless, boneless chicken breasts

1/2 teaspoon herbs de provence

Some quinoa because why not

The Process:

Dump the mushrooms, undrained tomatoes, frozen artichoke hearts, chicken broth, onion, olives or capers and wine/broth into the crockpot and stir it around.

And then toss in the tapioca, curry powder, thyme, salt, and pepper. STIR, DAMN YOU.

Finally, throw in the chicken and spoon some of the veggie mixture over them.

Cover it up and cook on low for 7-8 hours, or high for 3.5-4 hours. Go have a productive day! Or do what I did and watch Star Trek movies/Arrested Development episodes. One day you too can be as cool as I am.

Anyway, let's check back on the food!

Oh my, yes. Heat up some quinoa to serve with the chicken aaaaand

The Verdict:

Let's go to noted food critic James Cromwell. James, what do you think?

Agreed. The curry powder and herbs de provence really added a distinctive and delicious flavor, and you guys, there's so many leftovers. Pair with a cop movie because why not.

Gourmet Mac and Cheese, with Squash and Four Cheeses

Chances are pretty good that, if you're reading this, you've made plain ol' Mac and Cheese before. The box, the pouch, a little butter and milk and then BOOM. Done. The only problem with that is it's boring. Kenny G-levels of boring. Regular mac and cheese just doesn't do it for me the way it used to, no matter how much I've tried to spice it up. Speaking of which, don't ever get drunk, make mac and cheese and then add a half cup of crushed red peppers for some kick. That way lies madness. Trust me.

Anyway, there was a little get together this weekend, and I said I'd whip something up for it. My mom made this way back when I was high school, and I loooooved it. Whether or not people would go as gaga for it as I did wasn't exactly sure, but I liked my chances. Looking at the recipe, I realized it was pretty easy and cheap, so hey, why not?

Too bad it apparently killed one of my pots.

Gourmet Mac and Cheese

Source: From a friend of my parents, so no link today, folks!

Ingredients:

One 16 ounce box Elbow Marcaroni

Two 10-oz packages frozen pureed winter squash

2 Cups Lowfat Milk

1 1/3 Cups grated extra-sharp cheddar cheese

2/3   Cup grated Monterey Jack Cheese

1/2 Cup Part Skim Ricotta cheese  

1 tsp salt

1 tsp dry mustard

1/4 tsp cayenne powder

Topping:

2 Tbs plain dry bread crumbs

2 Tbs fresh grated Parmesan or pecorino romano (use whatever you've got)

1 tsp olive oil

 

Note: I rattled off a bunch of different cheeses, but you can really use any combo you want. Be a mad cheese scientist and experiment! Just be sure not to play god...

The Cooking:

First off, preheat your oven to 375. The recipe I've got says to coat your 13x9 baking dish with cooking spray, but I completely forgot to do that and it turned out ok, so feel free to skip this if you want to.

Then cook up the macaroni, drain it and transfer it to the dish. Look, you guys know how to cook pasta, so I'm not gonna waste your time explaining this part. Cool? Cool.

Ahhh, now for the best part: The sauce. Throw your milk and still frozen-squash into a medium-sized saucepan.

Cook it over low heat, stirring occasionally and breaking up the squash occasionally with a spoon until it's defrosted and looks a lot like this.

During this part, I could hear some hissing coming from under the pot, so I took a peek down there. It looked like the bottom was sweating, and it was dripping onto the burner. I figured since I threw in something frozen, the moisture from the frozen squash was making the bottom of the pot sweat and drip water. Turns out that idea was total bunk, but I didn't realize that until I was extremely hungover the next morning.

 

Ooh, right. The recipe.

When the squash is completely defrosted, crank the heat up to medium and get the mixture to near-boiling. When you start to see steam rise from it, remove the saucepan from the heat and dump in all the cheeses and spices. Stir it around a few times to make sure everything's melted, then ladle it on top of the macaroni in the baking dish.

What you're supposed to do now is throw the topping ingredients into a small bowl, mix them around, sprinkle them on top of the mac and cheese, then put the dish in your oven for about 20 minutes (or until the cheese is bubbly). I didn't do any of that because the sauce took a wee bit longer to make than I expected, and I had to book it to my friends' house to put it in their oven. That also explains the lack of more pictures with this recipe.

How'd it turn out, you ask? People really liked it! Turns out to be pretty delicious potluck/pregame fodder. I have a picture that accurately describes my reaction upon tasting it here somewhere...

No wait, that's not the one.

That's more like it. Anyway, while cleaning up my hellhole of a kitchen in the "Oh god, I'm still drunk" phase during the next morning, I noticed something weird on my stove.

See that yellow spot? The sauce was apparently leaking through the bottom of my pot. This means I'm out a two-quart pot for the time being. Fuck. 

 

But hey, the sauce was worth it!

Blues-Bustin' Beef Stew

It's February, which means it's time for the Superb Owl, Valentine's Day, and snow. Lots and lots of snow.  Lots and lots of snow.

There's a car under there somewhere. Damn you, Mr. Freeze. To combat days such as these, my buddy Matt came up with this bangin' beef stew to lift up your spirits, so without further ado...

Blues-Bustin' Beef Stew

Source: Matt's very own recipe blog, where you can find other delicious dishes.

Ingredients:

- 1 to 1 1/2 lbs cubed stew beef
- 2 medium yellow onions, diced
- 1 14.5 oz can diced tomatoes
- 1 clove garlic
- 1 cup dry red wine
- 3 tablespoons cooking oil (I used olive oil)
- Salt and pepper
- Various other veggies (I'll explain later)

The Cooking:

First things first, throw your olive oil onto a 12 inch skillet, and heat it up to medium. Once it gets hot, dump in the beef.

While they're cooking, separate them if you can. This'll make flipping them over less of a hassle. Also toss some salt and pepper on top of them. How much is up to you, but I like my meat with a bit of kick, so I threw on lots and lots and lots of pepper. After about 2-3 minutes, flip them so the browned side faces you.

Close enough. Salt and pepper them again while the other side browns. DON'T cook them the entire way through, just enough to brown 'em. After another 2 minutes or so, throw the beef into your crock pot and drain your skillet of excess fat. Now throw the diced onions into your skillet

We're gonna let 'em brown for about 20 minutes on medium heat. Make sure an eye on them though, lest you want to end up like me and damn near burn the stupid things.

Whatever, they still tasted just fine. When they're sufficiently browned, toss in your garlic and cook for another two to three minutes or until you can smell the garlic. When that's all done, toss it in 'ye olde crock pot. Keep that skillet handy, because now we're going to toss in the diced tomatoes and the cup of red wine.

Blech. I used an extremely cheap Aussie cabernet sauvignon that tasted atrocious, which means it's perfect for cooking! Bring it to a boil, but for fuck's sake don't reduce it! When it's done throw it all into the crock pot.

Mmmmm. Matt said all this looked a little lacking for a hearty stew, and I'm inclined to agree, so I followed his lead and threw in some potatoes, carrots and celery. Make no mistake, you can throw in pretty much any ridiculous veggie you like and it'd probably taste delicious, so do it!

Now that's what I call pod-racing! Give it a quick stir, turn the heat in the pot to low and let it cook for 7-8 hours.

SMASH CUT

Ohhhhhhh baby.

So tasty. So filling. So easy to make. Comfort food at it's finest, especially when you're fighting off the cold from hell. Great for entertaining or if you just want to feed yourself for the next week with leftovers. You should go make this. Like now.

10/10

Pollo Colorado (Chicken in Spicy Red Chile Sauce)

Look, I'm smack dab in the middle of finals, so this is gonna be pretty brief. I probably shouldn't be doing this at all, but it's a hell of a lot more entertaining than looking over my Evidence outline again, so here we go.

P.S. If any of my pictures look strange, it's because my camera's been acting wonky since I spilled coke and vodka all over it a while back. Don't ask.

Pollo Colorado (Chicken in Spicy Red Chile Sauce)

Source: My slow cooker cookbook. Shocker, I know.

Ingredients:

- 2 medium size yellow onions, peeled
- 2 medium-size red bell peppers, seeded
- 3 large or 4 medium-size individually frozen boneless, skinless chicken breasts (Don't thaw 'em)
- One 28-ounce can hot red chile sauce, or if Giant Eagle is stupid and doesn't have one of these, just go for three 10-ounce cans. I win at math.

The Cookin':

Chop your veggies up into roughly 3/4-inch pieces. Toss 'em in the pot, then toss them around to mix well. Throw the chicken breasts on top. I decided to use four big 'uns (In direct defiance of the recipe) because, well, I wanted a lot of leftovers. Look, it's going to be a realllllly long week. DON'T JUDGE ME.

Finally, dump all the sauce over everything.

Cook this monster on low for 5-7 hours (I did seven because I wanted to be sure the chicken was cooked). While it's cooking, you could be like me and spend seven hours in LAW STUDENT HELL.

"You like finals, eh? WELL HAVE ALLLL THE FINALS IN THE WOORRRLD!"

Or if you're a sane person, you could do, I don't know, anything else. Anyway, seven hours later and the entire floor of my apartment building smelled of sweet sweet enchilada sauce.

The last time I made this, I had to take out the chicken breasts, slice them up, and put them back in. This time, though, they were tender enough for me to just mash with a spoon and make them fall apart.

Finally, time for some dinner. It was pretty good! Pretty spicy, which is nice when it's Hoth-esque outside, and it'll make for some great leftovers when I've lost all manner of sanity and can't cook for myself. But for now, it's time to kick back and rela...

Fuck.

Quick and Dirty: Fried Bean Tomatoes

If you folks are absentmindedly glancing at this, you know I enjoy taking my time when I cook, especially considering how often I use my beloved crock pot. Even still, there are days when I come home after being at the law school for almost 10 hours and just say "Fuck it, I need something hot and I need it NOW." This is where recipes like this one come in. They're easy, they're cheap, they're delicious. Three of my favorite adjectives in the world.

And so without further ado...

Fried Bean Tomatoes

Source: A Man, A Can, A Plan (Yes, this is a real cookbook, and yes, it rocks.)

Ingredients:

- 14.5-oz can original or barbecue baked beans
- 2 10-oz cans Rotel diced tomatoes with green chilies (My Giant Eagle mysteriously stopped selling these recently, but other ones still sell 'em. Hunt them down, because they are so worth it.)
- 7-oz can low-sodium, whole kernel corn
- 1.5 cups instant white rice
- 1 cup water

Incredibly Complex Steps:

How do you start this up?

Dump it all in. The beans, the tomatoes, the corn, the rice, the water. Every last one of 'em. Gary Oldman demands it.



Now bring it to a boil. Then reduce the heat to low, cover it, and simmer for 10 minutes. Boom. Done. I like to season mine with a little hot sauce, so I decided to go straight for the classiest one in my pantry.

You aren't reading that wrong, it really is called Hemorrhoid Helper, and I swear it's some of the best habanero sauce I've ever had. In fact, you should go buy some right now. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Oh right, the food. It's really tasty! Very filling, considering the complete lack of meat, and a nice bit of kick thanks to the green chilies and the hot sauce. This is one of my favorite budget meals for a reason.

9/10