Quick and Dirty: Fried Bean Tomatoes

If you folks are absentmindedly glancing at this, you know I enjoy taking my time when I cook, especially considering how often I use my beloved crock pot. Even still, there are days when I come home after being at the law school for almost 10 hours and just say "Fuck it, I need something hot and I need it NOW." This is where recipes like this one come in. They're easy, they're cheap, they're delicious. Three of my favorite adjectives in the world.

And so without further ado...

Fried Bean Tomatoes

Source: A Man, A Can, A Plan (Yes, this is a real cookbook, and yes, it rocks.)

Ingredients:

- 14.5-oz can original or barbecue baked beans
- 2 10-oz cans Rotel diced tomatoes with green chilies (My Giant Eagle mysteriously stopped selling these recently, but other ones still sell 'em. Hunt them down, because they are so worth it.)
- 7-oz can low-sodium, whole kernel corn
- 1.5 cups instant white rice
- 1 cup water

Incredibly Complex Steps:

How do you start this up?

Dump it all in. The beans, the tomatoes, the corn, the rice, the water. Every last one of 'em. Gary Oldman demands it.



Now bring it to a boil. Then reduce the heat to low, cover it, and simmer for 10 minutes. Boom. Done. I like to season mine with a little hot sauce, so I decided to go straight for the classiest one in my pantry.

You aren't reading that wrong, it really is called Hemorrhoid Helper, and I swear it's some of the best habanero sauce I've ever had. In fact, you should go buy some right now. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Oh right, the food. It's really tasty! Very filling, considering the complete lack of meat, and a nice bit of kick thanks to the green chilies and the hot sauce. This is one of my favorite budget meals for a reason.

9/10

Sinus Bustin' North Indian Vegetarian Chili

Well, it's starting to cool down down around here. It was in the low 30s when I was waiting for the bus this morning, which means it's only a few weeks until Pittsburgh starts to look like this:

Ok, so there probably won't be AT-ATs (unless the Port Authority answers my numerous requests for one), but it's going to be fucking cold. I decided it was time for something spicy to counteract the freezing hellhole outside my windows, so I decided it was time for some chili. Not the usual chili I make, though, because I've also had a hankering for some Indian food. Thankfully, one of my cookbooks had a nice mixture of the two. Plus, it could be made using my handy-dandy crock pot (I swear, the next thing I post will be made on my stove/oven). So without further ado...

Sinus Bustin' North Indian Vegetarian Chili

Recipe Source: Not Your Mother's Slow Cooker Cookbook (It rules. Buy it.)
Some Recommended Kitchen Music: Chaiyya Chaiyya Bollywood Joint - Terence Blanchard

Ingredients:

2 tablespooons olive oil
2 medium-size red onions, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 tablespoons ginger
1 to 2 14.5 oz cans of chopped jalapenos
2 teaspoons ground coriander
1.25 teaspoons ground cumin
.5 teaspoon cayenne pepper (I put in a full teaspoon because I'm a maverick/idiot)
.25 teaspoon turmeric
1 14.5-oz can diced tomatoes, with their juice
3 tablespoons tomato paste
1 cup water
Three 15-oz cans red kidney beans, rinsed and drained (So you don't become Mr. or Ms. Fartypants)
.5 teaspoon salt, or to taste
.5 cup evaporated milk or heavy cream

FOR SERVING (If you really care. I didn't):
Chopped red onion
Chopped fresh cilantro
Plain yogurt
Warm chapatis (Someone fill me in on what these are, because Giant Eagle sure as shit didn't know)


The Cookin':

You're going to wanna start by heating up your olive oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat, and then throw in your onions...

... Until they look like this!

Now for the fun part. Add in the garlic, ginger, jalapenos, and all the spices. Cook, stirring, 'til the onions are nice and browned.

Note: This smelled pretty darn good. Now, throw this mixture into your crock pot, and then add the tomatoes with their juice, tomato paste, water and kidney beans. Stir it around to combine, then cover and cook on low for 5 to 6 hours. Now go do something else for a while, you sleazy lowlives. Go on!

When that's finished, stir in the salt and evaporated milk/heavy cream, cover and keep cooking on low for another 30 minutes.

Aaaaand theeeennnn...

Yup. It's glorious. It's wonderful. I'm hungry. Let's eat. Let me throw it in a bowl and scarf down a mouthful...

YAHHHHHH HOT HOT HOT SPICY HOT HOT. Very much regretting not buying any yogurt at this point! Tasty as hell, but woooooooo my mouth was on fire. Did a great job of clearing out my sinuses, and I breathed clear and easy for several days after eating this (The leftovers helped in this department).

What better way to accompany some ridiculously spicy Indian food than some Doctor Who? Stop looking at me like that.



I think if I make this again, I'll cut back on a cayenne pepper a wee bit, but it'll definitely happen when it becomes a frozen wasteland outside.

Rating: 8/10

Ratatouille

After a full two weeks or so of eating crappy crap due to my oven being smokey, this past weekend I figured I'd make something tasty and healthy for dinner. I made Ratatouille once over the summer, but seeing as I was exhausted after a weekend of drinking and pumpkin picking (Not at the same time, mind you), I decided to be lazy and let my trusty crock pot do my work for me.

It also didn't hurt that I was really in the mood to watch the movie "Ratatouille". Couldn't tell you why for the life of me.

Ratatouille

Recipe Source: One of the crock pot cookbooks I stole borrowed from my parents, so no link this time, kids!
Some Recommended Kitchen Music: End Creditouille, Michael Giacchino (Yes, I am in fact that predictable)

Ingredients: Quick note - I was a moron and chopped up almost everything before I realized I hadn't taken a picture of the ingredients I used, so please enjoy this tasteful artist's rendition.

1 large eggplant (1.5 lbs), cut into 1-inch cubes
Salt
1 medium-size yellow onion, coarsely chopped
3 large bell peppers (any color, really), seeded and cut into big squares)
10 plum tomatoes, peeled and chopped, or one 14.5 ounce can of diced tomatoes, drained (I've found that canned stewed tomatoes work just as well too)
2 to 3 cloves of garlic, to your taste, minced
1/2 cup olive oil
5 zucchini or summer squash, ends trimmed, and cut into thick rounds
1 to 2 tablespoons of chopped fresh basil, to your taste
As much freshly ground black pepper as you damn well please

The Cookin':

First things first, you're supposed to throw your diced eggplant into a colander and coat it with salt, and leave it for an hour, which is supposed to drain the moisture out of the eggplant. I guess I didn't put enough salt on it (I only used about a tablespoon or two), but I didn't really find it all that essential in the end.

This salt/eggplant combo also fucking reeks, so unless you want your place smelling like burnt kitty litter for an hour, I'd just skip this entirely.

Now dump in your eggplant, onion, bell peppers, tomatoes, and garlic in the slow cooker. Pour in the olive oil and toss the veggies to get 'em coated.

Oh my. Cook it on high for 1 to 1.5 hours, or on low for 2 to 3 hours. You want to do it on low. Trust me.

Once that timer hits zero, you're gonna want to toss in your zucchini and squash.

CHRIST, that's a lot of veggies. I almost ran out of room in my pot at this point. Now you want to cook it on low for another two hours.

I bet right now you're wondering, "Did the smell of all these veggies cooking for so long make his apartment smell awesome?" Well let me answer that for you...

Duh.


Ok, during the last hour, you're going to want to toss the basil, salt, and pepper. I didn't put in a lot of basil and salt, but I loooove me some pepper, so I threw in lots and lots and lots.

During the last hour, I fried up a few chicken breasts on my stove and chopped up a baguette for some sides, but you can really have anything you want with ratatouille. Once the timer hits zero again, you're done!

Good gawd. Just look at how much liquid oozed out of all this food. It's practically drowning in veggie broth, but that's not a bad thing. Time to serve up this behemoth!

Yeah, I'm a predictable doofus. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

Oh right, the food. It was delicious! The veggies look like they're just sauteed and mushy in the pictures, but they held their shapes remarkably well, and I had two more helpings of just the ratatouille after this first plate. A tasty, healthy, and remarkably easy meal to make on these cool fall afternoons. Oh, and in case you're wondering what the white chunks are, I decided to sprinkle some feta cheese on top at the last minute, which made a good dish even better. Y'all can season it with whatever you want, though.

Rating: 9/10