Pollo Colorado (Chicken in Spicy Red Chile Sauce)

Look, I'm smack dab in the middle of finals, so this is gonna be pretty brief. I probably shouldn't be doing this at all, but it's a hell of a lot more entertaining than looking over my Evidence outline again, so here we go.

P.S. If any of my pictures look strange, it's because my camera's been acting wonky since I spilled coke and vodka all over it a while back. Don't ask.

Pollo Colorado (Chicken in Spicy Red Chile Sauce)

Source: My slow cooker cookbook. Shocker, I know.

Ingredients:

- 2 medium size yellow onions, peeled
- 2 medium-size red bell peppers, seeded
- 3 large or 4 medium-size individually frozen boneless, skinless chicken breasts (Don't thaw 'em)
- One 28-ounce can hot red chile sauce, or if Giant Eagle is stupid and doesn't have one of these, just go for three 10-ounce cans. I win at math.

The Cookin':

Chop your veggies up into roughly 3/4-inch pieces. Toss 'em in the pot, then toss them around to mix well. Throw the chicken breasts on top. I decided to use four big 'uns (In direct defiance of the recipe) because, well, I wanted a lot of leftovers. Look, it's going to be a realllllly long week. DON'T JUDGE ME.

Finally, dump all the sauce over everything.

Cook this monster on low for 5-7 hours (I did seven because I wanted to be sure the chicken was cooked). While it's cooking, you could be like me and spend seven hours in LAW STUDENT HELL.

"You like finals, eh? WELL HAVE ALLLL THE FINALS IN THE WOORRRLD!"

Or if you're a sane person, you could do, I don't know, anything else. Anyway, seven hours later and the entire floor of my apartment building smelled of sweet sweet enchilada sauce.

The last time I made this, I had to take out the chicken breasts, slice them up, and put them back in. This time, though, they were tender enough for me to just mash with a spoon and make them fall apart.

Finally, time for some dinner. It was pretty good! Pretty spicy, which is nice when it's Hoth-esque outside, and it'll make for some great leftovers when I've lost all manner of sanity and can't cook for myself. But for now, it's time to kick back and rela...

Fuck.

Quick and Dirty: Fried Bean Tomatoes

If you folks are absentmindedly glancing at this, you know I enjoy taking my time when I cook, especially considering how often I use my beloved crock pot. Even still, there are days when I come home after being at the law school for almost 10 hours and just say "Fuck it, I need something hot and I need it NOW." This is where recipes like this one come in. They're easy, they're cheap, they're delicious. Three of my favorite adjectives in the world.

And so without further ado...

Fried Bean Tomatoes

Source: A Man, A Can, A Plan (Yes, this is a real cookbook, and yes, it rocks.)

Ingredients:

- 14.5-oz can original or barbecue baked beans
- 2 10-oz cans Rotel diced tomatoes with green chilies (My Giant Eagle mysteriously stopped selling these recently, but other ones still sell 'em. Hunt them down, because they are so worth it.)
- 7-oz can low-sodium, whole kernel corn
- 1.5 cups instant white rice
- 1 cup water

Incredibly Complex Steps:

How do you start this up?

Dump it all in. The beans, the tomatoes, the corn, the rice, the water. Every last one of 'em. Gary Oldman demands it.



Now bring it to a boil. Then reduce the heat to low, cover it, and simmer for 10 minutes. Boom. Done. I like to season mine with a little hot sauce, so I decided to go straight for the classiest one in my pantry.

You aren't reading that wrong, it really is called Hemorrhoid Helper, and I swear it's some of the best habanero sauce I've ever had. In fact, you should go buy some right now. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Oh right, the food. It's really tasty! Very filling, considering the complete lack of meat, and a nice bit of kick thanks to the green chilies and the hot sauce. This is one of my favorite budget meals for a reason.

9/10

Sinus Bustin' North Indian Vegetarian Chili

Well, it's starting to cool down down around here. It was in the low 30s when I was waiting for the bus this morning, which means it's only a few weeks until Pittsburgh starts to look like this:

Ok, so there probably won't be AT-ATs (unless the Port Authority answers my numerous requests for one), but it's going to be fucking cold. I decided it was time for something spicy to counteract the freezing hellhole outside my windows, so I decided it was time for some chili. Not the usual chili I make, though, because I've also had a hankering for some Indian food. Thankfully, one of my cookbooks had a nice mixture of the two. Plus, it could be made using my handy-dandy crock pot (I swear, the next thing I post will be made on my stove/oven). So without further ado...

Sinus Bustin' North Indian Vegetarian Chili

Recipe Source: Not Your Mother's Slow Cooker Cookbook (It rules. Buy it.)
Some Recommended Kitchen Music: Chaiyya Chaiyya Bollywood Joint - Terence Blanchard

Ingredients:

2 tablespooons olive oil
2 medium-size red onions, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 tablespoons ginger
1 to 2 14.5 oz cans of chopped jalapenos
2 teaspoons ground coriander
1.25 teaspoons ground cumin
.5 teaspoon cayenne pepper (I put in a full teaspoon because I'm a maverick/idiot)
.25 teaspoon turmeric
1 14.5-oz can diced tomatoes, with their juice
3 tablespoons tomato paste
1 cup water
Three 15-oz cans red kidney beans, rinsed and drained (So you don't become Mr. or Ms. Fartypants)
.5 teaspoon salt, or to taste
.5 cup evaporated milk or heavy cream

FOR SERVING (If you really care. I didn't):
Chopped red onion
Chopped fresh cilantro
Plain yogurt
Warm chapatis (Someone fill me in on what these are, because Giant Eagle sure as shit didn't know)


The Cookin':

You're going to wanna start by heating up your olive oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat, and then throw in your onions...

... Until they look like this!

Now for the fun part. Add in the garlic, ginger, jalapenos, and all the spices. Cook, stirring, 'til the onions are nice and browned.

Note: This smelled pretty darn good. Now, throw this mixture into your crock pot, and then add the tomatoes with their juice, tomato paste, water and kidney beans. Stir it around to combine, then cover and cook on low for 5 to 6 hours. Now go do something else for a while, you sleazy lowlives. Go on!

When that's finished, stir in the salt and evaporated milk/heavy cream, cover and keep cooking on low for another 30 minutes.

Aaaaand theeeennnn...

Yup. It's glorious. It's wonderful. I'm hungry. Let's eat. Let me throw it in a bowl and scarf down a mouthful...

YAHHHHHH HOT HOT HOT SPICY HOT HOT. Very much regretting not buying any yogurt at this point! Tasty as hell, but woooooooo my mouth was on fire. Did a great job of clearing out my sinuses, and I breathed clear and easy for several days after eating this (The leftovers helped in this department).

What better way to accompany some ridiculously spicy Indian food than some Doctor Who? Stop looking at me like that.



I think if I make this again, I'll cut back on a cayenne pepper a wee bit, but it'll definitely happen when it becomes a frozen wasteland outside.

Rating: 8/10

Ratatouille

After a full two weeks or so of eating crappy crap due to my oven being smokey, this past weekend I figured I'd make something tasty and healthy for dinner. I made Ratatouille once over the summer, but seeing as I was exhausted after a weekend of drinking and pumpkin picking (Not at the same time, mind you), I decided to be lazy and let my trusty crock pot do my work for me.

It also didn't hurt that I was really in the mood to watch the movie "Ratatouille". Couldn't tell you why for the life of me.

Ratatouille

Recipe Source: One of the crock pot cookbooks I stole borrowed from my parents, so no link this time, kids!
Some Recommended Kitchen Music: End Creditouille, Michael Giacchino (Yes, I am in fact that predictable)

Ingredients: Quick note - I was a moron and chopped up almost everything before I realized I hadn't taken a picture of the ingredients I used, so please enjoy this tasteful artist's rendition.

1 large eggplant (1.5 lbs), cut into 1-inch cubes
Salt
1 medium-size yellow onion, coarsely chopped
3 large bell peppers (any color, really), seeded and cut into big squares)
10 plum tomatoes, peeled and chopped, or one 14.5 ounce can of diced tomatoes, drained (I've found that canned stewed tomatoes work just as well too)
2 to 3 cloves of garlic, to your taste, minced
1/2 cup olive oil
5 zucchini or summer squash, ends trimmed, and cut into thick rounds
1 to 2 tablespoons of chopped fresh basil, to your taste
As much freshly ground black pepper as you damn well please

The Cookin':

First things first, you're supposed to throw your diced eggplant into a colander and coat it with salt, and leave it for an hour, which is supposed to drain the moisture out of the eggplant. I guess I didn't put enough salt on it (I only used about a tablespoon or two), but I didn't really find it all that essential in the end.

This salt/eggplant combo also fucking reeks, so unless you want your place smelling like burnt kitty litter for an hour, I'd just skip this entirely.

Now dump in your eggplant, onion, bell peppers, tomatoes, and garlic in the slow cooker. Pour in the olive oil and toss the veggies to get 'em coated.

Oh my. Cook it on high for 1 to 1.5 hours, or on low for 2 to 3 hours. You want to do it on low. Trust me.

Once that timer hits zero, you're gonna want to toss in your zucchini and squash.

CHRIST, that's a lot of veggies. I almost ran out of room in my pot at this point. Now you want to cook it on low for another two hours.

I bet right now you're wondering, "Did the smell of all these veggies cooking for so long make his apartment smell awesome?" Well let me answer that for you...

Duh.


Ok, during the last hour, you're going to want to toss the basil, salt, and pepper. I didn't put in a lot of basil and salt, but I loooove me some pepper, so I threw in lots and lots and lots.

During the last hour, I fried up a few chicken breasts on my stove and chopped up a baguette for some sides, but you can really have anything you want with ratatouille. Once the timer hits zero again, you're done!

Good gawd. Just look at how much liquid oozed out of all this food. It's practically drowning in veggie broth, but that's not a bad thing. Time to serve up this behemoth!

Yeah, I'm a predictable doofus. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

Oh right, the food. It was delicious! The veggies look like they're just sauteed and mushy in the pictures, but they held their shapes remarkably well, and I had two more helpings of just the ratatouille after this first plate. A tasty, healthy, and remarkably easy meal to make on these cool fall afternoons. Oh, and in case you're wondering what the white chunks are, I decided to sprinkle some feta cheese on top at the last minute, which made a good dish even better. Y'all can season it with whatever you want, though.

Rating: 9/10

Sweet & Spicy Thai Marinated Chicken

Every day this past summer, I'd wake up and ask myself "Will this be the day I wake up on a rainy and gloomy morning to spend my day in a windowless building and waste most of my classtime on crosswords and Gchat?" The answer was consistently no. But now that school is back, the return of Pittsburgh's annual ice age was inevitable. This past week, the clouds and rain returned. My time has come.

With Pittsburgh's generally hateful weather returning, I knew I needed something spicy to warm me up a little. Thanks to the magic of the internets, I founds something that sounded glorrrrious.

Sweet and Spicy Thai Marinated Chicken

Recipe Link: Crepes of Wrath (In case you couldn't tell, I really like this site's recipes)
Recommended Cooking Music: You! Me! Dancing!, Los Campesinos

Ingredients:

3 chicken breasts, pounded to an even thickness
For the marinade:
2 cloves garlic, minced
3 tablespoons finely minced lemongrass, fresh or frozen (Shockingly enough, I couldn't find this at Giant Eagle, so I figured Lemon Peel would good enough. Right?)
3 1/2 tablespoons coconut milk
1/2 teaspoon ground white pepper (I just didn't bother and used a tablespoon of black pepper. That's how I roll)
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon ground turmeric
3/4 teaspoons crushed red pepper flakes
1/2 teaspoon chili powder
1 tablespoon fish sauce (Which sounds like it's barely a step above crab juice)
3 tablespoons light or dark brown sugar

The Cookin':
Let's start off with the marinade. Dump all of your marinade ingredients into a bowl.

Good GOD coconut milk is disgusting. Yeech. Anyway, stir it all around 'til there aren't any clumps of brown sugar left in there.

Will... not... make... poop... joke... Now that the lovely brown paste is all done, set it aside and get your chicken out.

Now, the recipe calls for the chicken to be pounded to an even width. However, me having a teeny-tiny kitchen, I don't have a mallet lying around. I clearly needed something sitting in my apartment that was big, heavy, and useless...

FINALLY, my Civ Pro casebook becomes useful! Keep fucking pounding that chicken until your neighbors complain about the noise.

Good enough. Now marinate it for as little as half an hour, or as long as UNTIL THE END OF TIME. Ok, maybe just overnight, but it feels like a long time. Shut up.

I waited a for a few hours before my stomach started growling. My choices now were to either grill it on my massive, annoying indoor "grill" for a few minutes, or bake it in my oven at 350 for 15-20 minutes. After my Zucchini Lasagna disaster, I spent a few hours last week cleaning out my oven. Or so I thought.

After a few minutes of my oven preheating...

SMOKE ALAAAAAARM. Cue me once again furiously rushing around my apartment trying to flush the smoke out the windows with my comforter because I'm too stupid to own a fan. Upon realizing I'd have to use the behemoth grill, which I hate for a number of reasons, I felt like this poor bastard.

This is how much I hate using and cleaning it. Just look at this monster.

The damn thing takes up half my counter! I have to throw my poor drying rack in the sink just to make room. Throw the chicken on the grill 'til it's all nice and golden brown, then serve with the salad of your choice. I just used some prepackaged Giant Eagle stuff, but you overachievers out there can go make a real salad with fruit and nuts and dressing and stuff.

Upon first bite, hoooooly lemon-y taste, Batman. I'm starting to believe that lemon peel ain't the same as lemongrass. Granted, it had a lovely, spicy aftertaste, and the veggies did a nice job of counteracting the lemon, but man...

Note: A lesser man than myself might make a lemonparty joke here. I'm not going to do so, but feel free to make your own, you rubes.

Overall, great spice, but too much lemon peel. If I were to make this again, I'd cut back on the lemon peel, or actually go to Whole Foods or Trader Joes and try to hunt down some actual lemongrass. I guess now I'll go... read. Dammit, law school.

Rating: 6.5/10

Crock Pot Korean Style Ribs

Despite having been back at this whole law school thing for the past month, my body thought this past week would be a great time to make my sleep schedule go haywire. "What's that? You want to sleep in until noon this Saturday? You're waking up around 8:30 and you will like it." To put it mildly, it sucks. What the hell am I going to do on a punishingly early Saturday morning (Besides watch Animaniacs)?

Enter crock pot.

It's well established, to me anyway, that crock pots represent the pinnacle of human achievement. You can toss in whatever you want, spend the day doing cool things cool people do, come back and it's done! It's genius. And since I knew I had time on my hands, I figured I'd run to Jahn Iggle to grab the ingredients and fix up some Korean ribs. Let's fire up the "Scott Pilgrim vs. The World" soundtrack and get to work, shall we?

Crock Pot Korean Style Ribs

Recipe Link:  Crepes of Wrath

Ingredients:

1/2 cup soy sauce
1/3 cup brown sugar
2 tablespoons sesame oil
2 tablespoons rice vinegar
2 tablespoons ground ginger (The recipe I linked to calls for fresh minced ginger, but the one-two combo of ground ginger's relative cheapness and my laziness led me to using it instead. Seemed to work just fine.)
4 cloves of crushed garlic
1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes
4-5 pounds pork short ribs
3 tablespoons cornstarch
3 tablespoons cold water
4 cups cooked rice (for serving)

The Cookin':
First things first, toss your ribs in your big ol' crock pot.

Then mix together the soy sauce, brown sugar, sesame oil, rice vinegar, ginger, garlic and red pepper flakes in a bowl.

Scrumptulescent. Anyway, when you're done with that pour it all over the ribs in the crock pot.

Now put on the lid and set it to high for six hours or low for seven to eight. We're going for the low setting because it's always better. Always. You want to set it to high? Your mother and I are very disappointed.

Now go off and do whatever. I decided to try to read law school stuff, which put me right to sleep (I'M CURED). I then woke up at halftime of the Penn State game, and made a face that looked a lot like this upon seeing the score.

We were losing to Temple. TEMPLE. Urge to kill. Rising. Anyway, after that wet fart of a game, the ribs were done! Let's get back to those.

Yessiree bob. Take out all the meat and bone that you can and put it all on a plate. Then skim all the excess fat off the sauce and pour it into a saucepan. This might be when you wanna start making the rice too, but really you can make it whenever.

Put the ribs back in the crock pot, put down the lid, and for fuck's sake, make sure it's turned off. Not to warm. Off. PAY ATTENTION. Now throw the cornstarch and cold water into the saucepan, and bring it to a boil for two minutes, stirring the entire time. Once it gets nice and thick, that's when to stop.

Time for the main event, folks. Throw some ribs, rice and veggies (I stir-fried what I had in my fridge up real quick) on a plate, and drizzle that sauce all over the ribs. I tossed on some sesame seeds, but if you've got some green onions sitting around somewhere, those work too.

I took one bite of the ribs, and came to one immediate, startling conclusion.

Quoth the prophet Martin Lawrence, "This shit just got real." The meat was a little dryer than I would've liked, but it was so tender, and the sauce and the veggies did a nice job of counteracting the dryness. And that sauce. Hoo boy that sauce. THIS is something I'm making again sometime soon, but not too soon, because there are roughly enough leftovers to feed me for a week.

Yes, I watched Wallace and Gromit while I ate Asian food. Deal with it. Now please excuse me while I go look for a job read for International Law play Halo.